WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
