These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
