38 yer olds are good kisserssss
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
