it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
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