so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
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