can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Randomize
