the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
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