life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
