I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize
