covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
