i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
