I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
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