Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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