my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Randomize
