Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
