i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
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