She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
