Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
