Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I came so hard my ears popped.
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