If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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