Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Randomize
