She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
i think we sleep fucked last night...
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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