think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
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