Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Randomize