I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
