ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
