your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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