at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Randomize
