I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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