Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
