Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
