My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
