Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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