I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize