Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
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