i think my tv is drunk
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
