I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
