I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Randomize
