I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Randomize
