The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
false alarm. still invincible.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Randomize
