in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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