Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Randomize