a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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