I smell stomach acid.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Dick very happy bro
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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