Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
