if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Randomize
