when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
