i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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