I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Shame - the story of my life.
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