last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Randomize
