Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
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