If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
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