Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
