3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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