My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
