did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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