Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
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