there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
