dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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